Published May 13, 2008
Prologue
The girl ran through the wet ally. Her white-stained-brown track shoes squelched on the ground as she ran.
She looked over her shoulder quickly. The man was still chasing after her, and gaining.
She turned back around, her soaked blonde hair flying around and whipping her in the face. The tears ran down her face noiselessly as she skidded to a stop.
A chain link fence blocked her only means of escape.
The girl turned around as she heard the heavy footsteps behind her stop.
"Girl, I say this once more. I'll let you live, if you just give me the stone," the bulking man said.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" she screamed. "Just leave me alone!"
He sighed. "You had your chance. Being as you are the only other one who can hand me the stone, it looks like I have to bring you back with me."
He reached into his coat as she backed against the fence. He pulled out a blue net, wrapped into a bundle.
"P-Please, j-j-just leave me a-a-alone," she whimpered, shivered. As she cried, she felt the rain press harder against her.
"I'm sorry, but I cannot do that."
He took hulking steps forward as he unwrapped the net.
"No, get away!" She put her hands in front of her face, palms out.
She didn't realize what she had done until she opened her eyes.
The man was lying on the ground about twenty feet away from her, unconscious.
She looked at her hands in fear.
"D-Did I do that?" she asked quietly.
She walked over to the man slowly. He stirred for a minute and she screamed then ran from the ally.
***
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139,650 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
I like this story, but like the others, i agree that it needs some rearranging.
Great story!! Keep it up.
Looks like I've been beaten to the hard evil critique. *pouts* Well let me just tell you that you've got me hooked. There were gramatical mistakes and it could do with a little more description but other than that it was fine. A good first draft. Keep it up! ^^
I liked it. It did what a prologue needs to do, without too much description or character development. It made me interested enough to read more, so well done on that one
A couple of things you might want to consider:
I don't think this reads quite right. I think it needs rearranging. Possibly something like:
"The girl truned around as she heard the heavy footsteps stopping behind her."
I think the last two words are unnecessary and make it a bitt too long and wordy. I think you'd be better off sticking with just
"She didn't realize what she had done until she opened her eyes"
Other than that, it all worked pretty well. Keep going
Josh
I liked it. The beginning really hooked me into what the rest of it's about. But you might want to remember:
FANBOYS
For
And
Nor
But
Or
Yet
So
It's when you put a comma in front of any of those words. Also, you have a thing with bunching your writing up. Maybe you can try seperating it? I really want to know what happens next!
Hello! Welcome to YWS!
I am sorry to say, but YWS does requre that you do at least two reviews per submission, please correct this
Because I am fantastic, on to the crit...
I reckon 'she whimpered, shivering' has a better feel to it, as this loses some pace.
I feel this loses some tension. Nice idea, but the way you phrased it irritates me. How about: "As she cried, she felt the rain press harder against her.' Yes? More in her POV here.
'cannot'. Funny word.
Sounds like more of a question. Try 'she asked'.
The final sentence I feel is a little rushed, try rewording it
Anyhow, I enjoyed that! I found it a very intriguing opening - well done! It provided a definate insight into a story - I found myself wanting to carry on. There were no infor dumps there, a great positive. Nice bit of character development. I won't say it was perfect, but certainly a new light on this idea of story.
Not to mention, great was the fact you didn't mention the MCs name here. I am intrigued as to who it is.
Just a quick note for the future: be sure space out each paragraph
-Mark